Kate, being the culinary mastermind that she is, is making “paprika chicken”, which I believe is a sachet of paprika and a bag, you shake the chicken in the paprika and cook it in the bag. Why you need a bag is beyond me. The other day at ASDA Kate had approached me on the verge of tears that she couldn’t find the smartprice chocolate, on taking her back to the confectionery aisle (where she insisted it was not) spotted it straight away. She called me into the kitchen saying she couldn’t find the tie for the bag and that she thought it might be another “chocolate situation”. I looked but couldn’t find it and suggested merely tying the bag in a knot itself or not using it. But such solutions are too simple for Kate. Instead, scouring the floor, she found the metal clasp from a champagne bottle and decided she could fashion her own tie from it. Of course this did not work and eventually she resided herself to tying a knot in the bag itself. Classic Kate at her best.

In the run up to an intense game of Ring Of Fire (where Kate is not going out, just drinking on a thursday night because she’s a raging alcoholic) Danny Lindsay asked who should go first and I said the custom was for it to be the youngest. Danny Lindsay professed to being the youngest so obviously I pointed at his girlfriend and said “haha paedo”. At this point Kate chimed in with “wow and I always expected Danny Lindsay to be a paedo”. A stellar friend.

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kate just found red onion in her hair. Not even sure she’s been cooking with it.

Kate just came into my room (in her famous tiger onesie) and handed me her laptop charger. She told me she got up really early to do work but instead she’s spent four hours on stumble upon. Four hours. Hope she found some more pivotal Sonny And Cher information.

Me and Kate were just speaking and then she violently attacked me as is not out of the ordinary, me being the absolute adonis I am turned her arms on her and made her beat herself. She screamed “NO MY BOOBS HURT”. To which I retorted that she might be pregnant. She then followed me complaining that she wasn’t pregnant. At this point I started to eat a biscuit, she pointed at the biscuit and merely said “pregnant.” Obviously somewhat bemused I asked her what she meant and she said “exactly” and left the room.

Yesterday Kate was stood still in the kitchen. Completely still. Kate has this thing where if I’m cooking she has to be in the fucking kitchen all the fucking time but anyway she was stood completely still. She then fell over. While standing still. She broke a shot glass all over the floor and then when she was cleaning it up she broke the broom. Booth.

Kate just got home from Belgium and rather than be a normal person and put her stuff away, maybe get a shower, collect her thoughts, she left her bag by the front door, put a Subway on a plate (steak cos she wanted to try something new) and went and sat and ate it on Joe’s bed….using a knife and fork. Who the fuck eats a Subway with a knife and fork? Bonkers. Booth.

Kate came down the stairs and said “What pajama pants can I wear to make myself seem less weird?” She’s decided on ones with unicorns on. She’s also wearing a jumper patterned with pictures of rams. No tiger onesie today. Booth.

Kate’s making mashed potatoes. Obviously those of you with a culinary mind or a smidge of common sense will know this process merely involves boiling some potatoes in water and then later mashing them with some optional ingredients. During the boiling phase Kate has set the fire alarm off twice. TWICE. SHE’S BOILING POTATOES. Booth.

We’re all going to the cinema tonight and I said that randy pandy housemate has to sit at the end of the six of us because she often smells of piss. Kate piped in with “don’t you like to sit on the end?” Danny Lindsay pointed out that six of us in a row would obviously have two ends and Kate replied “I guess I just don’t know physics like I used to.” Booth.