Things Kate Does

This is a threat I had taken to heart, as the upstanding friend and gentleman I am I followed Kate’s wish and allowed thingskatedoes to die a slow death. That is until today. Today me and Joseph were bored so we decided to go and wind Kate up (this is not out of the ordinary). After eventually gaining access to her bedroom, a particularly violent Kate attempted to beat Joe while I stood on trying to keep an air of maturity in the house at such a late time. I noticed a box of chocolates at the back of Kate’s room. “Oooh giz a chocolate and I’ll bugger off” I exclaimed. Kate, an avid lover of chocolate, would never share her chocolate I was thinking. But no, she gave us the full box. Lulled into a false sense of security we went away and split the chocolates down the middle. The chocolates. The worst. Chocolates. Ever. I basically had to down two pints of milk to get the taste out of my mouth. So I believe since Kate used chocolate to be a total demon it’s only fair that I begin to document her every move again. Since this is her homepage thanks to Joe it’s only a matter of time before she notices. All the best Kate, this is war.

Kate, being the culinary mastermind that she is, is making “paprika chicken”, which I believe is a sachet of paprika and a bag, you shake the chicken in the paprika and cook it in the bag. Why you need a bag is beyond me. The other day at ASDA Kate had approached me on the verge of tears that she couldn’t find the smartprice chocolate, on taking her back to the confectionery aisle (where she insisted it was not) spotted it straight away. She called me into the kitchen saying she couldn’t find the tie for the bag and that she thought it might be another “chocolate situation”. I looked but couldn’t find it and suggested merely tying the bag in a knot itself or not using it. But such solutions are too simple for Kate. Instead, scouring the floor, she found the metal clasp from a champagne bottle and decided she could fashion her own tie from it. Of course this did not work and eventually she resided herself to tying a knot in the bag itself. Classic Kate at her best.

In the run up to an intense game of Ring Of Fire (where Kate is not going out, just drinking on a thursday night because she’s a raging alcoholic) Danny Lindsay asked who should go first and I said the custom was for it to be the youngest. Danny Lindsay professed to being the youngest so obviously I pointed at his girlfriend and said “haha paedo”. At this point Kate chimed in with “wow and I always expected Danny Lindsay to be a paedo”. A stellar friend.

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kate just found red onion in her hair. Not even sure she’s been cooking with it.

Kate just came into my room (in her famous tiger onesie) and handed me her laptop charger. She told me she got up really early to do work but instead she’s spent four hours on stumble upon. Four hours. Hope she found some more pivotal Sonny And Cher information.

Me and Kate were just speaking and then she violently attacked me as is not out of the ordinary, me being the absolute adonis I am turned her arms on her and made her beat herself. She screamed “NO MY BOOBS HURT”. To which I retorted that she might be pregnant. She then followed me complaining that she wasn’t pregnant. At this point I started to eat a biscuit, she pointed at the biscuit and merely said “pregnant.” Obviously somewhat bemused I asked her what she meant and she said “exactly” and left the room.

Yesterday Kate was stood still in the kitchen. Completely still. Kate has this thing where if I’m cooking she has to be in the fucking kitchen all the fucking time but anyway she was stood completely still. She then fell over. While standing still. She broke a shot glass all over the floor and then when she was cleaning it up she broke the broom. Booth.

Kate just got home from Belgium and rather than be a normal person and put her stuff away, maybe get a shower, collect her thoughts, she left her bag by the front door, put a Subway on a plate (steak cos she wanted to try something new) and went and sat and ate it on Joe’s bed….using a knife and fork. Who the fuck eats a Subway with a knife and fork? Bonkers. Booth.

Kate came down the stairs and said “What pajama pants can I wear to make myself seem less weird?” She’s decided on ones with unicorns on. She’s also wearing a jumper patterned with pictures of rams. No tiger onesie today. Booth.

Kate’s making mashed potatoes. Obviously those of you with a culinary mind or a smidge of common sense will know this process merely involves boiling some potatoes in water and then later mashing them with some optional ingredients. During the boiling phase Kate has set the fire alarm off twice. TWICE. SHE’S BOILING POTATOES. Booth.

We’re all going to the cinema tonight and I said that randy pandy housemate has to sit at the end of the six of us because she often smells of piss. Kate piped in with “don’t you like to sit on the end?” Danny Lindsay pointed out that six of us in a row would obviously have two ends and Kate replied “I guess I just don’t know physics like I used to.” Booth.

Earlier today Kate got her laptop back after approximately a month of it being repaired. She attempted to connect to the house internet and it told her that the security key was wrong. After awkwardly disturbing our randy pandy housemate getting her funk on merely to retrieve the password she entered the password and it failed to work. She proceeded to enter THE SAME PASSWORD approximately 25 times again and again, thinking somehow it would start working. She then got me to enter the EXACT SAME PASSWORD thinking that maybe my magic fingers would somehow battle the problem in a way hers had not. I told her that when the internet tells me the network key is wrong I have to reset the router. Which is in randy pandy housemate’s room. Thus a dilemma. Most people at this point would politely shout up and ask randy pandy to reset the router. Kate however proceeded to try and enter the same password again, at least, with no exaggeration, 35 times. Then she reset her computer and tried again at least ten more times. Eventually high maintenance housemate text randy pandy housemate and got her to reset the router. Kate then refused to enter the password any more until eventually she tried and, lo and behold, it worked. Booth.

Kate got a text from her cousin. All it said was “you’re going to be the female Noel Fielding.” They hadn’t been discussing anything that this text pertained to. One day I hope someone is blogging about all of Kate’s family. Booth.

Kate bites people. Kate is notorious for biting people. Hard. Randy pandy houemate bet Kate that if she could last a year without biting anyone then she would take her to Disneyland. Kate accepted claiming it was easy. She bit me 25 minutes later. Booth.

Kate and Joe, an editor of this very blog, sharing a beautiful embrace. They cuddled for approximately 30 minutes. Booth.

Kate went to Chinatown today for Chinese New Year. I believe she had a great time watching the dragons and firecrackers since she had a great big grin across her face. Pics to follow.

It also generated some great quotes:

“Don’t put condensation on me.”

Also:

“If I imagined I had a tail I would have a tail.”

Joe

Some people came to view our house the other day, 3 girls and a boy and Kate hid away from them which isn’t too out of the ordinary. However once they had left it surfaced that Kate had once kissed the boy and it was a particularly awkward encounter for her. Especially since I’m not sure he remembered her. Booth.

Kate seems to not want to embrace that Christmas is over. She bought boots to match the onesie. I miss the tiger onesie. Booth.